A new beginning and old roots.

Echinacea from my Mother's garden.

I have been missing at this space for a very long time and for a very good reason. Our family had to make a very major change. With a heavy heart we said goodbye to Portland, our home for the last 12 years and the birthplace of my two youngest children. We also said goodbye to Oregon, which is not something that was easy for me to do. I really, really,really love it there. I had a lot of fun exploring the beauty of Oregon these last 12 years. A piece of my heart will always be there.
After many sleepless nights trying to narrow down the options of where we were going to relocate to we decided we had spent far too long away from our extended families and that our kids had really missed out on a whole lot of love. We were being priced out of the city that was the reason we moved west in the first place and the struggle and the sacrifice of trying to stay there were no longer worth it to us.
So where did we end up?
Well, after a cross country drive with three kids, two parents, two cats, an avacado tree, and a frozen placenta we landed in the Twin Cities.
Now were are just a two hour drive from our families, and the town we grew up in. Holy shock to the system,after not being anywhere near my hometown for the last 7 years it all feels so strange and so wonderfully familiar all at the same time. Goodness,we have so much catching up to do!

Just a rough patch.

Things have been pretty stressful lately and I have been having a lot of anxiety that follows me everywhere because of it, it really has been tough.

During the week of spring break my youngest had a very scary health emergency that turned into a 911 call and a ride in an ambulance to the Children's Hospital. It was so awful, but thankfully it turned out okay and she is just fine now. I don't know what I would do without her, or if anything happened any of my children. Think I might have a little post traumatic stress from the event.

I also have been struggling with my own health issues. I have not felt well in the last three years, it is getting worse, and harder for me to deal with. Just trying to make it through the day is not how I want to live anymore. My energy level is so low it has really been a struggle to get the everyday things taken care of and by the time I pick my son up in the afternoon from school I am feeling really terrible. This has left me feeling really depressed.  I can not find the energy to do the things that have always made me happy, but mostly I am sad because I can't be the kind of mom I want to be to my children. The last doctor I saw said my immune system was attacking my thyroid and there was nothing he could do for me until my thyroid was so badly damaged that I would be put on thyroid meds for the rest of my life. No help at all. This was almost a year ago. I have been feeling pretty helpless ever since trying to learn as much as I can on my own and try to reverse the auto-immune attack on my thyroid. Which interestingly enough is caused by chronic stress.

Anxiety can be a sign that your thyroid is over active or hyperthyroid, but mine is hypothyroid, not working well enough. I have heard that people with my condition can flip from on to the other. I wish I could blame all my anxiety on that, then I wouldn't feel like I was going crazy. I really need to find a doctor who is willing to help me. Trying to tough this out on my own is a very hopeless feeling.

Another HUGE stress on our plate right now is finding a new place to live. Back in February when our new upstairs neighbors moved in our landlords gave us a "heads up" or so they call it, that we need to find a new place to live by this summer. They say they are planning to sell the house, but we have heard that story before. We have lived in this house for 11years this summer. Don't get me wrong the situation is less than ideal, we have outgrown this place for sure. My husband and I currently share our bedroom with our two youngest children, which worked when he was traveling all the time and I was here alone with the kids. It felt more safe to have them in the same room with me at night. My son is at the age where he should have his own space and a place to play with his friends. In the last several months I have searched for apartments on a pretty much daily basis and have literally had panic attacks realizing there is nothing we can afford, not only in our neighborhood, but in the city in general. Rent is out of this world crazy expensive here in the city, it has gone up so much in the last 10 years since we have moved that the new folks who moved into the apartment upstairs(where we lived for 8 years) are paying double what we paid to live there.

So this leaves me feeling really really stressed and totally uprooted. It has been impossible to make plans until we find out where we are going to be living. I have already come to terms with the fact that our current neighborhood is out of the question unless we win the lottery in the next month.  I don't know where my children will be going to school next year and all normal yearly planning is on hold. It is terrifying because this move will impact my children so much. When you live paycheck to paycheck getting the money saved to move is nearly impossible. We were counting on our tax return to fund our move and finding out we didn't get a tax return this year was a major blow. So it is pretty much, need to move, very soon, can not afford anything in this city, have no idea where we are going to go and time is running out. ACK!!! Amazingly. stressful.

I was thinking that if we have to move to a new city anyway,then why not just move closer to the rest of our family in Wisconsin. I have not been able to visit my brothers in 7 years! That is way too long.

But moving across the country is not something you can do at the drop of a hat. This is something we would have had to save for years to do. We need to arrange for new jobs, new schools and a new home. My eldest is moving into High School this next year so I feel now would be a good transition time as she would be moving to a new school anyway. Maybe we could try and tough it out here for another 4 years, but that honestly does not sound that fun to me. I think it would be a better quality of life for all of us to get a fresh start somewhere more affordable.

Like I said, a lot of stress and I don't even know where to start to tackle these obstacles. 

We need a miracle and some answers very soon.  I want nothing more than a stable home for my family wherever that may be. 

Just a rough patch in life right now, a big one.

My Church is in the Woods

My family and I spent Easter Sunday hiking in the woods, and relaxing by a river. It was quiet and peaceful and so very lovely. Just the mini vacation I so desperately needed.

My teenager, 14 times around the sun.

Sophie turned 14 last Friday. Holy smokes!! I feel it wasn't too long ago I was her age. I am thankful for this blog because I can go back through the years and see her grow up all over again. I miss my little Sophie sometimes because childhood is so precious and they grow up so darn fast. But now that she is a teenager we can do fun things together and spending time with her is like spending time with a friend. Time really does fly, as any parent of grown children already know, hold them tight and cherish every age, they are all precious.

Papa's Beach Birthday

 

We went to the coast last weekend for Papa's Birthday. It was one of the most beautiful days I have ever seen at the ocean. Simply stunning, take your breath away kind of beautiful. Best part was we had Nana there to share it with too.

Floating on Trillium Lake

 

 

 Notice the heart cloud above Mt Hood?

 These photos are from a late summer trip to Trillium Lake to take the boat out. I just don't feel like summer can end until we take our boat out at least once. This was the weekend before Labor Day weekend and it was still so crowded! In the photo above with the kids you can see all the people crammed along the shore. I like to go out in nature get away from the crowds and the city so it was a little annoying. At one point there was a lady in a mermaid tail riding a giant inflatable swan out in the middle of the lake. It was pretty funny, although I am looking forward to the "off" season and to finding a little more quiet. I am a nature hoarder I guess.

Oh, and p.s. My photo of Little Crater Lake from the previous post made it as a finalist for an Oregon Live Photo contest! I will find out tomorrow 9/11/14 if I win or not. Yippie! Oh and if you want to see it(or vote to help me win) here is the link. My photo is entitled, "A jewel in the mountains".

Honest thoughts.... not feeling so hot.

Lately I have been having a hard time dealing with the isolation that comes along with being a stay at home mom. The utter lack of other adult conversation or companionship. I am not a single Mama, but my husband travels with work often leaving me without a companion, or support parent for a week(s) at a time. This literally means that the only time I have to myself is when they are asleep and when I should be sleeping too. It is kind of mind blowing how a person can be lonely and desperate for some time alone at the same time.

I am okay with sacrifice, but constantly sacrificing the things I need is starting to seriously wear down my soul. It is hard to keep going and be motivated in that situation.

Health issues are a major problem for me right now. Medical care that I need keeps getting pushed back and pushed back and never resolved because of lack of insurance and ability to pay out of pocket, yet I am supposed to have the energy to care for three children.

The last three years I have felt like a shadow of the person I used to be. Our family  has run into hard luck, over and over and over. It seems as soon as we start to get on the right track moving forward, something happens and it sets us back even farther. I think chronic stress is in part responsible for the autoimmune disease I now have to deal with.

I don't have the energy to be the kind of mom I want to be. On my bad days getting the older kids dropped off at and picked up from school and practices, keeping Nalah happy and occupied at home,and getting a few necessary chores and errands done is honestly takes all the energy I have got.

I hate feeling that way. I am the kind of person who likes to move, get out of the house and get stuff done! I scrubbed my bathroom top to bottom and cleaned out drawers in a major spring cleaning urge on Wednesday and by the end of the day my back was so stiff I couldn't even stand up straight. I am in my early 30's but feel like an 80 year old.

I am trying to ignore and push through the limits that my body is putting on me. I have started hiking up a very steep hill to the park several times a week and doing pilates or yoga at home on days when hiking is not an option. As long as I keep moving all day I am okay. If I sit down, ever, I literally have to force myself back up again.

I really want to look forward to things again. To be inspired by life and motivated towards my goals once again. To live for more than just simply getting through the day. Too feel strong and confident rather than hopeless and insecure. To be an energetic happy Mama who can give my children what they need and at the same time give a little love back to myself. 

Six times around the sun(continued)....

 This was the best I could do trying to write Solomon backwards ;)

Solomon had a fun day involving doughnuts for breakfast, a trip to the Science Museum, birthday cake and a firework show. He is having a Birthday party at the Arcade with friends from school this weekend. This is the first year we didn't host a party at home for him. I am usually frantically crafting and cleaning the entire week after Christmas trying to get ready for it, it was so calm and relaxing this year! He even decorated his own cake which was quite the change (see his past cakes here, and here and here.)Since he was a holiday baby his parties began as a New Year's pot luck sort of gathering with our adult friends. This year most of his buddies were out of town for the day of his actual birthday so we switched it up a bit. He was okay with that, now that he gets two parties out of it! I am a little sad that maybe he has outgrown the house parties, but it is a lot less work his Mama, and it wont matter a bit how messy my house is the day of his party. Hurray for that!

Holiday market in the woods.....

 (photos from Christmas in the Garden at the Oregon Garden)

Wishing you all love and light this holiday season!

The Great Christmas Tree Hunt...........

Isn't it too early for cabin fever??

A four day weekend for the kids and a pulled muscle in my neck= crabby overwhelmed mama who needed to get the heck out of her trashed noisy house and breath in some fresh air. Luckily I was feeling a little better by Sunday and we were able to head out as a family into nature.

A visit from Nana

 

 A few weeks ago we were lucky to have Nana( my mom) come visit us from Wisconsin

We were very busy that week and saw all kind of interesting sights such as:

A swinging dog.

A wildfire.

A soap box derby.

(sorry for the lame picture, they were so fast this is the only one that wasn't a blur)

A street fair.

We also visited a popular place to cool off near my old college...

and we visited the Dahlia Farm.

We also hung out near a lake(with strawberries of course)...

and went for a hike.

It was so nice having her around. We miss you mom!