Friday, May 9, 2014

Honest thoughts.... not feeling so hot.

Lately I have been having a hard time dealing with the isolation that comes along with being a stay at home mom. The utter lack of other adult conversation or companionship. I am not a single Mama, but my husband travels with work often leaving me without a companion, or support parent for a week(s) at a time. This literally means that the only time I have to myself is when they are asleep and when I should be sleeping too. It is kind of mind blowing how a person can be lonely and desperate for some time alone at the same time.
I am okay with sacrifice, but constantly sacrificing the things I need is starting to seriously wear down my soul. It is hard to keep going and be motivated in that situation.
Health issues are a major problem for me right now. Medical care that I need keeps getting pushed back and pushed back and never resolved because of lack of insurance and ability to pay out of pocket, yet I am supposed to have the energy to care for three children.
The last three years I have felt like a shadow of the person I used to be. Our family  has run into hard luck, over and over and over. It seems as soon as we start to get on the right track moving forward, something happens and it sets us back even farther. I think chronic stress is in part responsible for the autoimmune disease I now have to deal with.
I don't have the energy to be the kind of mom I want to be. On my bad days getting the older kids dropped off at and picked up from school and practices, keeping Nalah happy and occupied at home,and getting a few necessary chores and errands done is honestly takes all the energy I have got.
I hate feeling that way. I am the kind of person who likes to move, get out of the house and get stuff done! I scrubbed my bathroom top to bottom and cleaned out drawers in a major spring cleaning urge on Wednesday and by the end of the day my back was so stiff I couldn't even stand up straight. I am in my early 30's but feel like an 80 year old.
I am trying to ignore and push through the limits that my body is putting on me. I have started hiking up a very steep hill to the park several times a week and doing pilates or yoga at home on days when hiking is not an option. As long as I keep moving all day I am okay. If I sit down, ever, I literally have to force myself back up again.
I really want to look forward to things again. To be inspired by life and motivated towards my goals once again. To live for more than just simply getting through the day. Too feel strong and confident rather than hopeless and insecure. To be an energetic happy Mama who can give my children what they need and at the same time give a little love back to myself. 

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