Tuesday, December 6, 2011



*rant warning*
I have been pretty quiet at this space lately. Unfortunately I haven't been feeling well. Thankfully I am not vomiting constantly anymore, just feeling really exhausted and out of breath all the time. Hopefully it is just an iron deficiency( partly due to major illness in beginning of pregnancy and being a vegetarian). I am still waiting to hear back from my midwives about my blood test results. I started taking Floradix and drinking Nettle tea to boost my iron, I have felt a little better since doing so. This pregnancy has been so different that with my other two. I loved being pregnant and felt great with them(after early pregnancy morning sickness) I was very active and hiked up until the day of giving birth. I am so out of shape this time I am out of breath after making my bed and vacuuming the floor.
I don't like feeling helpless and out of control. I don't like relying on my husband to do the work that I would like to be able to do myself around the house.
The holiday season has added a new amount of stress as well. Unemployment has hit my family for the second time in two years. Coming up with money for rent and bills and food is hard enough, thinking about how we will get extra money for holiday gifts is completely overwhelming. I just don't have the energy to make a bunch of gifts this year either. I wish I did.
So I am feeling badly, for our situation and angry with holiday expectations. I wish the holidays wasn't so hard on people. I know I am not alone and that there are many families that are having an ever harder time that we are. Things don't matter, the people in our life that we love is what matters and spending time with them. But still I feel like I am letting my children down and I hate that. I feel guilty that I didn't get the advent calendar that I worked so hard on last year up until today, the 6th. That is silly I know, and really doesn't matter, but still makes me feel inadequate.I don't think my pregnant mind is working rationally either.
Sorry for my rant. I normally don't like to complain or get into super personal problems on my blog , but I think I just really needed to get this off my mind. Hope you understand.

I don't want end on a negative note, so for a huge boost of positive energy and little reminder to how beautiful and amazing life can be check out: This


Wintry said...

That picture made me cry!! Just remember that moment and know you will experience it soon! And you are giving your children the best present ever--a new sibling!! Spend all your time working on that gift--it's the most important!

April said...

Hang in there! Thinking positive, healthy thoughts for you!

erika~ the inspired mama said...

love and hugs to you, mama! big deep breathe, exhale, and let it go... just take care of you and everything will fall into place. i will light a candle for you and send some blessings your way ♥

thank you for sharing the link - what a beautiful photo!

Mama Gone Green said...

Wow! What an amazing photo.. soon to be you Heidi!
Let me know if you need help with anything!!

embracingitall said...

I like bloggers who keep it real. Although I wish your 'real' for now, was a bit less challenging. I hope everything rights itself for you soon. I'd have you over for Christmas dinner, or any dinner for that matter if it weren't for the miles! Hope you energy levels improve. In my thoughts, Jacinta x

trish said...

It is a difficult time of year...so much expectation put upon us. Don't be hard on yourself, don't worry what others may think. Look after yourself and that little one on the way. Soon it will be summer!!!
Beautiful photograph and link.
Much love to you.x
p.s I feel very angry with holiday expectations too.

house full of jays said...

Big big hugs to you, Heidi. This is an especially hard time of year for expectations in check. You are giving your family so much right now - even if you don't feel it. They are loved by a kind, gentle and beautiful spirit...and you are loved in return.
Rest well, friend! How I wish I could stop by and give you a hand.
Thanks for sharing that photo link - it brought immediate tears to my eyes. Soon that will be you.

Baby By The Sea said...

{hug}. I'm so sorry. I felt so horrible in all three of my pregnancies and I know how hard that is to go about a regular day feeling drained. I do hope you find some strength, some positive days ahead. xoxo

Sarah from Our Island Home said...

Sending positive thoughts your way! We have to remember to be gentle with ourselves (as mamas)! Don't beat yourself up over a late advent calendar (has happened to me even while not feeling ill)!

barefoot mama said...

oh, sweet friend! Sending love and hugs your way.....

Do you have a liquid B vit complex. Seemed to be the only thing that could keep me on my feet when I was feeling that way. Hope you get to feeling better and find time to rest and relax during this busy time of year. ~ Barefoot Mama

Mama Ash Grove said...

Dear Heidi,
I just want you to know that I fully understand the difficulties of not feeling well while pregnant- my fourth pregnancy was incredibly difficult. I felt ill the entire time, low on energy, totally "off." I also spent my entire pregnancy out of breath.
My iron was fine, but I also took floradix and drank tons of nettle tea because it felt like I needed to. I also had pregnancy induced high blood pressure, and so was forced to do not much of anything. I felt so useless and irritated and wanted badly to be myself again! Being forced to rest so much also put me badly out of shape.
I felt so awful not being able to really enjoy my last pregnancy.
But, the birth was so incredible- words cannot express the power of Ezri's birth. What a gift I was given at the end of a long difficult journey!
I am so sorry you are feeling so out of sorts and so ill/tired. A pregnancy which feels this way feels so long even though it really isn't.
I hope very much for you to be able to have some peace, a lighter heart.
And no, you are absolutely not alone, so many have difficulty this time of year, without the hormones on top of it. . .