This holiday season was really rough for me this year. I was falling victim to holiday pressure in a bad way. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was terribly homesick and missing my family, some that I have not seen in almost 5 years. I was feeling myself wanting things I never wanted before, falling for the advertisements being shoved down my throat and the pressure to buy shit to be happy. I was feeling bad for having to live on a very limited budget. I was feeling trapped by the notion of my kids being off of school for two weeks with nothing to do but fight with one another all day long, no fancy vacation to go on, no extended family to go visit. I was feeling completely exhausted. I didn't know if my husband would get sent off hundreds of miles away for work, or if he would be home.
I found myself thinking of people who have lost beloved family and friends this year, and of an old friend I know from high school who is slowly recovering from a horrible brain injury. I was feeling guilty for feeling sad about my own struggles in life,in comparison to what I know are much harder circumstances.
I did things a little differently this year. I didn't become the holiday crafting zombie I have been the last several years. I only made a few small gifts. I was not frantically knitting last minute gifts or sewing into the wee hours of the morning. I didn't freak out and hand sew a new advent mitten garland when I couldn't find the other one(and I still haven't found it). Except for baking about a million batches of cookies last month, it was pretty laid back.
Luckily my Husband was able to stay close to home for the holidays,that was truly the only thing I really wanted this year. We got to take a spontaneous trip to the ocean after Christmas to see the whales migration and it healed my weary spirit so much. I only wish I would have know about the trip ahead of time so I would have had something to look forward to when I was feeling so very low. For all the things I do not have, I am so very, very grateful for everything that I do.
I am also very grateful the holidays are over.