Last week was very hard for me. Lately I feel like I am using all my physical and mental effort just to get through the day. I don't look forward to the future like I used to and am having a hard time getting out of the funk. Hopefully it is just motivation to change my life.
I have never liked change and I avoid it at all costs but I am coming to realize just how much that is holding me back from getting what I want out of life. My family really needs a change, a fresh start.
The lifestyle we have right now is not working but we feel trapped and can't seem to find another option. It feels hopeless and sometimes all I feel I can count on for sure anymore is bad luck.
I think one huge problem is that I am not taking care of myself or getting a break at all. On top of having some poor health issues that are not being taken care of at the moment since I lost my insurance this past summer.
This past weekend I was hoping to do things differently. I usually feel obligated to find something fun(and mostly free) for us to do as a family on the weekends since we only have two days of the week to be together as a family. This is great, but then I end up starting another week alone with the kids without ever getting time for myself alone. I am an introvert meaning, I NEED time alone in order to feel happy, being around people, even my own kids, 24/7 is extremely draining for me. I never get the time alone that I need to reboot and feel refreshed.
This weekend was really nice.Ben got back into town in time for me to make it to the monthly pub knitting on Friday night. On Saturday I made time for myself to go for a long walk up Mt. Tabor park near my home, this used to be a daily ritual for me when Ben was home during the week. I think it really helps me de-stress and have my own uninterrupted thoughts which is a rare thing for me these days. I am hoping I can find a way to get back into the rhythm of this. On Sunday we took the kids to a fun park with a huge castle like play structure in a small town near Mt Hood, it gave us time to talk to each other and have a conversation in the car and also gave us time to play with the kids and have a good time as a family. Then on Sunday night we went to our friend Ken's kid friendly bluegrass show at a pub in North Portland. It was really fun to get out and see some music all together. Going out to see music is something Ben and I used to really enjoy doing together and we just stopped doing it once we had kids. It is a different dynamic with the kids along, but they had a great time. There was even a little kids mosh pit that my children just sat quietly and watched...ironic because at home that would never happen.
I am hopeful that I can continue to find the time to do more things I love and make a little time for myself. Maybe then I can start looking forward to life again without feeling like I am just barely getting by.